6 Ways to Reimagine Self-Care
We often think of self-care in a very physical or practical sense – getting more sleep, going for a walk, having a spa treatment, reading a favourite book. But what if we were to reimagine self-care through more of a cognitive lens? What might that look like?
Below I break down some of the most fundamental elements, as I see it, for really looking after ourselves.
1. Honour your values
Knowing and understanding our values is a key determinant of living an intentional and aligned life. Our values reflect what is important to us, how we are motivated, and play a key role in our decision-making. When we forsake our values, or if someone undermines them, we might immediately notice a felt sense of uneasiness in the body or a sense of emotional hurt. This can lead to resentment, even anger. You might choose to think of your values as your inner compass. They set your direction of travel and allow you to live in your most authentic self-expression.
Clarifying our values is not always an easy task and they can also evolve over time. One way to consider yours is to call to mind a few people you admire. What is it about them that you admire most? How do these qualities align for you in terms of what you value?
2. Set and maintain healthy boundaries
Putting ourselves first can sometimes present a real challenge but setting and maintaining clear boundaries is a cornerstone of self-care. Unhealthy boundaries can lead to emotional hurt, unhappiness, insecurity, a loss of identity, and being taken advantage of. Healthy boundaries however can build greater self-esteem, lead to feelings of empowerment, a greater sense of identity, clarity on your values and who you are, they enhance your mental health and emotional wellbeing, and can even help you to avoid burnout.
Learning to communicate your thoughts honestly and respectfully and to say “no” without qualification is an important first step in defining and maintaining your boundaries. It can also help to clarify consequences and express why the boundary is important to you. When making decisions that impact a boundary, practice first checking in with your physical sensations or ‘gut feelings’. What do those feelings indicate? Then gather yourself in the present moment, perhaps tuning into your breath, before responding in a way that honours your needs in that moment. As Greg McKeown writes in his book Essentialism, if something isn’t a resounding ‘yes’, then is it really signalling a ‘no’?
3. Harness your strengths to flourish
Knowing and utilising your strengths is a fundamental pillar of positive psychology. Traditionally, performance reviews have been based around discussions of our weaknesses and being able to devote time and energy to improving on them. Imagine how different these appraisals might go if we focussed on our strengths and identified ways to better harness and maximise our time cultivating them instead?
Use of strengths is closely aligned with the idea of “flow”. Flow being a concept proposed by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in 1975 which defines the ‘sweet spot’ between task work we find sufficiently challenging (in so far as we don’t feel over or underwhelmed) and task work that sufficiently engages our capabilities or strengths. Flow is a state in which we forget time, fatigue, and everything exclusive of the activity itself. The more time we spend in ‘flow’, the more likely we are to feel positive emotions, engagement, an association with meaningful work, and achievement. These pillars align with Martin Seligman’s PERMA model and the belief that such conditions contribute towards a life of fulfilment, happiness, and meaning.
4. Embrace self-compassion
Let’s face it, self-compassion gets an undeservedly bad rap! It’s often described as a “soft skill” yet the ability to treat ourselves kindly in moments of distress and to regulate our inner critic is fundamental to overall health and wellbeing. To truly practice self-care, it is necessary to work with our inner critic and to befriend it, learning to challenge and reframe negative thoughts and to counter our negativity bias with positive emotions such as gratitude.
Dr. Kristin Neff is well known for her research in this space and she describes the idea of self-compassion as being like Yin and Yang. Yin represents our gentle side; the side that soothes and comforts. Yang represents our fierce side; the side that protects and provides. It is both that are required for balance. A simple yet effective way to build our self-compassion in moments of difficulty, when our inner critic might otherwise get the best of us, is to consider how we might practice treating ourselves as we would a good friend?
5. Build an identity beyond work
Our sense of identity is strongly linked to our sense of self. Says Erika Myers, a licensed professional counsellor in Oregon,
“Having a well-developed sense of self is hugely beneficial in helping us make choices in life. From something as small as favourite foods to larger concerns like personal values, knowing what comes from our own self versus what comes from others allows us to live authentically”.
Yet how much of our self is derived from our persona at work? If you were to draw a pie chart and a series of wedges to represent all the different roles or identities you associate with – work, parent, child, sibling, spouse, friend, sports person, hobbyist, other – how big would each wedge of your pie be? And particularly how much of the pie is attributed to your work identity? The more wedges we have to our pie and the more evenly we share ourselves across all our roles or identities, the more likely we are to be resilient, adopt healthy behaviours, and build strong relationships.
6. Practice mindfulness
The ability to be aware of our thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations - as we’re having them - is essentially the backbone of mindfulness. These three types of sensations are known as the ‘triangle of awareness’. You might choose to think of it though as the dashboard of your car. Together, these ‘instruments’ provide critical information which help us to decipher what we’re experiencing in any given moment, and to interpret it in a way that allows us to respond skilfully to the situation, rather than react habitually.
The reason mindfulness is a critical component of self-care is that it allows us to tune into our direct experience and not the ‘story’ we might be telling ourselves about the experience. Stephen Covey suggests that 10% of life is made up of what happens to us while 90% of life is decided by how we react. Therefore, the ability to soften our reaction and rely more on direct experience through mindfulness ultimately has a direct impact on how we look after ourselves.
If you’re looking for a deeper dive exploration of the above components of self-care, and some practical tools to help develop them, then coaching may be for you. Why not schedule a free Discovery Call with me to learn more?